Sunday, November 29, 2015

Dear Diary: I'm Done

I just need to vent.
A while back my husband and I ran into a retired physical therapist (she was at a neighbor's who we were visiting). She said she'd seen and worked with quite a few Erb's Palsy babies. "Only the parents that don't do what they're supposed to be doing have children who don't heal the way we hope to see." Yeah... I wish.
Well, I worked my fncking @ss off everyday for 5 months doing therapy with Colsen AT LEAST 3x a day. I worried about him and which motions I was forgetting and how many reps we'd done and how many times a day we'd done it. Then he had his surgery at 6 months. (the first month he had a broken clavicle and we were instructed to keep his arm pinned up and still.) The pediatric neurosurgeon doctor said, "He should be back to where he was just before the surgery by 3 months post-op."
I'm killing myself (not literally) because I give up. I feel awful and guilty, but I can't drive myself crazy doing all this for nothing. It's not working.
I give up. I want to ENJOY my baby. Not worry about him 24/7. I am struggling. My brain is playing tricks on me. I'm depressed. I have gender disappointment. I have PTSD. My brain says, "Put him up for adoption so a stronger family can help him and love him the way he deserves."
We're going to St. Louis to see Dr. Park tomorrow. It's bringing back all the feelings. I'm just so done with this. I'm done with the stress. I'm done with the financial struggle. I'm done with the "Was the surgery successful?" questions. I'm done with the physical therapy. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done.