Sunday, November 29, 2015

Dear Diary: I'm Done

I just need to vent.
A while back my husband and I ran into a retired physical therapist (she was at a neighbor's who we were visiting). She said she'd seen and worked with quite a few Erb's Palsy babies. "Only the parents that don't do what they're supposed to be doing have children who don't heal the way we hope to see." Yeah... I wish.
Well, I worked my fncking @ss off everyday for 5 months doing therapy with Colsen AT LEAST 3x a day. I worried about him and which motions I was forgetting and how many reps we'd done and how many times a day we'd done it. Then he had his surgery at 6 months. (the first month he had a broken clavicle and we were instructed to keep his arm pinned up and still.) The pediatric neurosurgeon doctor said, "He should be back to where he was just before the surgery by 3 months post-op."
I'm killing myself (not literally) because I give up. I feel awful and guilty, but I can't drive myself crazy doing all this for nothing. It's not working.
I give up. I want to ENJOY my baby. Not worry about him 24/7. I am struggling. My brain is playing tricks on me. I'm depressed. I have gender disappointment. I have PTSD. My brain says, "Put him up for adoption so a stronger family can help him and love him the way he deserves."
We're going to St. Louis to see Dr. Park tomorrow. It's bringing back all the feelings. I'm just so done with this. I'm done with the stress. I'm done with the financial struggle. I'm done with the "Was the surgery successful?" questions. I'm done with the physical therapy. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done.

Sunday, November 15, 2015

Lilly Bridge History and Explosion

     Today, on the 15th of November, 2015, the old Lilly Bridge was demolished. What an event for all the people of Summers County! Our map is changed by approx 60 ft. This bridge was the link between Hinton and Pipestem, WV.
     It was built in the early 1900's before the Bluestone Dam. The Lilly Bridge was named after Robert and Frances Lilly who moved from Dublin Pulaski, Virginia to settle here in the 1700's - 1800's (different info from different sources.). Their new home soon became a town, Lilly.

"Lilly continued to thrive until the mid 1900s when the construction of the Bluestone Dam began. Construction calculations predicted Lilly would be underwater, and residents were forced to move. Cemeteries were exhumed and moved to new locations. Buildings, churches, and homes were all destroyed or moved to new locations. A few of their foundations still remain, offering a tangible link to the families who once struggled to survive here. While walking through the old settlement of Lilly today you can still see foundations of old structures scattered throughout the area, or a coal bucket laying on the ground offering one of the only clues that a once thriving community was based here."

Here you can see a compilation of photos and videos of the bridges history and destruction:
Lives were lost during the construction of the Lilly Bridge with this horrific incident.

A view going toward Pipestem from Hinton just before the construction of the new bridge began.
Photo by Loyd Lowry 
Photos of the details of the bridge can be found here. Due to copyright, I cannot post any of the photos on the blog, however, I urge you to click this link.

Crossing the Lilly Bridge in both directions June 13, 2015. Thank you for this video, Matt Nowak. Check out his website,

Check out these cool videos of the demolition!

BRIDGE DEMOLITION! Check out this video of the historic Lilly Bridge in Hinton coming down today! That story and more tonight on 59 News
Posted by WVNS 59News on Sunday, November 15, 2015
Here is another view of the demolition by Seth Gatewood.

Lilly bridge goes bye bye
Posted by Robert Moretto on Sunday, November 15, 2015

Just Wow! the take down of the old Bluestone " Lilly Bridge" this morning. Be sure to turn on sound for full viewing pleasure. Thanks Leah Zellmer and Jason White for sharing!--Courtesy of Bluestone Lake Marina
Posted by Carolyn Aust-Vance on Sunday, November 15, 2015

Friday, November 6, 2015

Wondering About Camelot

     Thinking back to my Camelot days. I miss a lot of people. I wish I could just see how they're doing. I wonder about what happened after I left. I wonder about that day and about those people I didn't get to say goodbye to. I wonder about the woman who treated us like family. I wonder if she got in trouble for being the only family we had. I wonder about the rest of the employees who treated us with respect. I wonder about the girl who was too much for even Camelot to handle. I wonder what happened to the homeless girl. I wonder what happened to my friends. I wonder what happened to the youngest girls. I wonder what happened to the elementary kids. I wonder if Camelot is even still open. I hope they got shut down. I wonder how the best therapist is doing. I wonder how the girl is doing who risked her job by giving me a full hug the night I found out my dad was NOT on his way to come get me even though I was dismissed. I wonder what happened to the girl who wouldn't take a shower. I wonder what happened to my roommate. I wonder what happened to my WV girls. I wonder what happened......
     Wondering makes no progress. I have no idea why I started thinking about Camelot tonight, but I did. You know the WORST thing about that place? No hugs. Only side-hugs. So now... when I'm upset and I can't get a hug, it hurts. It is a trigger. I can't handle not being able to have a hug. It puts me in a dark place. It's awful. I thank god my baby will give me a hug when my husband won't. I don't think putting 30 girls on the exact same medication and diagnosing us all with the exact same things is going to make everything better. Did we all show the same behavior? No. We're different people. How about you treat us like it. PEOPLE. INDIVIDUALS. HUMANS.